Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
