Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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