Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
