So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
