Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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