i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
