When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
