I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
