For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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