Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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