Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
