My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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