Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
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