this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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