So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
