He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
