i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
