I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
