i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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