i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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