Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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