Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
