More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
This is not my ceiling
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
