No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
