I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
