Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
