I cannot find my penis.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
