I am midnight drunk by noon
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
