There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
