before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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