When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
