My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
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