i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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