he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just googled if crying burns calories
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Randomize
