You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
