im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
