Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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