Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
