i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
