i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
