I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
