she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
