then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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