What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
