why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
