Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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