you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I see more hoeing in ur future
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