remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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