How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
