I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
