Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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